Author: MJT
Positive Effects of Divorce on Children: You can Make it
Happen!
Turn to just about any medical journal, and you'll read
about children having trouble dealing with their parents' divorce. What you
don't read is that as the acute grief fades and the years go by, these children
can become just as physically and mentally healthy as kids whose parents have
not been divorced. Some studies even show that divorce may have positive
effects on children. If you want your children to show positive effects of the
divorce, there are a few things that you can do.
Be Honest - But not too Honest
If your children ask you about the divorce, have an
all-purpose vague response, such as, "Mom and I just couldn't seem to
agree on anything anymore, and we were fighting a lot. We think our decision is
best for everyone." This will give kids an idea of why the divorce had to
occur, without you succumbing to the temptation to complain about your spouse
to your kids.
Allow your Child to Verbalize Good and Bad Feelings about
the Divorce
This can be tricky, since you don't want to put your spouse
down. At the same time, you want your children to feel free to express their
feelings. Try supportive listening. For instance, if your son says, "I'm
kind of glad Daddy's gone. It scared me when he came home and yelled." You
might respond, "I understand that Daddy's behavior was scary sometimes and
that sometimes you're not sorry he moved out." If you handle these
discussions correctly, one positive effect of divorce on children is the ability
to express their concerns and needs.
Work Out a Visitation Agreement
Unless your spouse has done something truly terrible to the
children, such as sexually abusing them or giving them street drugs, there is
no reason why he shouldn't have full visitation rights. Even if you don't like
your spouse, your children still love him. One positive effect of divorce on
children is the gift of being able to know each parent separately.
Keep Your Kids Out of the Middle
Remember in grade school when you never spoke to the person
you had a secret crush on? You sent your friends to do it instead, and probably
spent hours afterwards grilling them about what he said and did. What might
have been cute in grade school is toxic to your kids. You're a grown up, now, and
it's not fair to ask your child to play middleman. If you have something to say
to your spouse, say it to him directly. This will give your children a chance
to see how healthy communication works.
Watch out for Manipulation
Parents who are divorced are well aware that their choice
has affected their children's happiness, at least temporarily. This knowledge
leads to a huge temptation to give the kids extravagant gifts or privileges.
Kids themselves sometimes realize this and manipulate the situation, asking Mom
when Dad has already said no, and vice versa.
If you do catch your child attempting such a manipulation,
confront them with it, and let them know that the behavior is unacceptable to
both of you.
If you and your ex-spouse are willing to devote time and
energy to your children, there is no reason for them to be negatively affected
by divorce permanently. In fact, you may very well see positive effects of
divorce on your children once you give them time to get used to things.
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